What has it kept me back from? Being happy. Being confident. Being me in every possible way and letting people see me for who I really am. No more gimmicks to get lame attention. No more covering myself up because I am afraid of what others will think. It's time to hang out my laundry and let the wind take it away.
First things first. I have had family members for years that have never made me feel welcome. I know that things are said about me behind my back. I know that they don't like me as much as they like others. They have made me feel like an outcast, like I have done something to them and I am a horrible person. Growing up, it just hurt. I wanted that close relationship with my grandparents and I wanted my best friends to be my cousins. But things didn't happen that way. So, I felt worthless in their eyes. Then, once I got past the pain of it I became angry. I didn't hate them, but I hated how they treated me. No matter what kind of anger or hate you have within you, it's not good. It only hurts you more.
Second, grades third through seventh were hard on me. In third grade I started a new school. The kids at this new school were not very friendly to new kids. Most of them had grown up together and didn't want someone new coming into their circle. Few people did get through the circle, me, I wasn't fit (in their eyes) to break through. I was picked on. They made fun of my clothes, my weight, my glasses, my family. They gave me evil looks when I had done nothing wrong. I was a nice kid, really I was. I was usually really good at making new friends. But they were not having it. I made a few friends, we were all outcast together. It wasn't until I moved away that I realized that I only had one true friend in that school and she moved back to Colorado. My other "friends" talked about me behind my back, told me lies, and pretty much hated me. Still not sure why.
After leaving that school my confidence was crushed. Not only had the school kids crushed me but family members were helping too. I became depressed and found the darker things in life much more enjoyable. I dreamed about death. I remember thinking of ways to end it all. I didn't want to deal with the pain that I was going through anymore. I even remember crying to God some nights for him to let me come home. I didn't want to be in this world anymore and I couldn't just kill myself. So I prayed for God to kill me.
How crazy is that? Though, that isn't even the craziest. The craziest part of it all, I didn't actually believe in God half the time. I only believed in Him when it was convenient for me. I only believed in Him when I thought he would step in and help me. He was trying to help me the whole time, I just didn't see it.
Happy ending though! I got better. In high school I made amazing friends that I still talk to today. I was still depressed after high school but I slowly worked my way out of it. Though, the past four months I have reached a new level of happiness that I never thought possible. And I think this is an important moment for me in my journey to becoming closer to God.
See, for years I have kept all this anger and hate towards all these people. I kept it in a jar on a shelf in my heart. I let it grip and squeeze my heart. I let it make me become a cruel person who didn't find much joy in anything. And while I have found happiness this jar still pulls me down sometimes.
But not anymore. Today I am letting it go. I am cracking this jar open and letting the moths of hatred and anger free. It is no longer going to drag me down and keep me from being what God planned for me to be.
Now, I know this is not going to be completely instant. I know that these things will try to crawl back into my heart and hide in a dark corner. But that is where prayer comes from. That is where my trust in God will carry me home.
Forgiveness.
That is where the true healing lies. I forgive my family for the hateful things they have said to me. I forgive them for making me feel like I have done something wrong. I forgive my old friends for only pretending to like me. I forgive all the kids that used to tease me.
I also thank them all for it. Because with out them I would not be as strong as I am today. I have fought many battles in my life and when I look back, I realize that even in my weakest moments I was still strong. When I thought about dying, I couldn't kill myself because I didn't really want to die. When I prayed to God to let me die and let me come home to heaven I would cry and ask Him to forgive me for asking for such selfish things. I never actually gave up because I have the soul of a fighter. And with out the hardship of what I have been through I wouldn't know how strong I am.
Thank you for helping me see my true potential. Thank you God for making me strong. I have forgiven. I have let it go. I will not forget though. Only because one day, I will share my hardships with other people so that they will know they are not the first and they are not alone and they can make it through too. A goal in my life now is to help people see how strong they are. I want them to see that what they think is a punishment from God is actually a blessing because He is showing you how strong you really are.
Remember the saying that everything happens for a reason. God doesn't just throw us into a storm and watch us suffer for the heck of it. He is the one that gives us the tools to make it out and there is always a lesson that will make us greater people.
Forgiveness.
That is where the true journey begins.
Much Love
Heather
