I am trying to lose weight for none of these reasons. Okay, well, I want to look cute in certain clothes and I want to be healthy. My main reason for losing weight though...is something that is going to get me in trouble with any friends that read this blog.
The reason I want to lose weight so bad is because I feel like I take up too much space. If I lose weight I will be smaller...meaning I take up less space. I can't explain it, maybe it comes from my years of being picked on and falling into a depression. Maybe I am not completely out of the dark waters of depression. But I feel like I have always taken up too much space. I feel like I am always in everyone's way.
It goes as far as calling and texting people or even just talking to them. You can ask a few friends of mine, I never call them, they have to call me. And only a few have convinced me that it's okay to text them whenever. I don't know why I feel like this, I just do. If I could become invisible and people could walk right through me, I would be happy.
I almost feel like I don't deserve to breath or take up space and that I waste everyone's time. I feel like everything that is me is a waste. Space, air, and time wasted on me could be used to do something else. Something useful and productive.
Now, I think I am an awesome person. I just don't like to get in the way of other people. This is also the reason I don't like touching or hugging people. I don't like standing to close to people.
I keep thinking that if I lose weight it won't be as bad. Though, I fear that once I get to a healthy weight I will try to lose more so that I can be smaller. I can see this becoming a very unhealthy habit. Which may also be the reason that a sabotage my own weight loss. I fear becoming obsessed with being smaller and I fear taking up to much space. HA! It's the never ending story.
So there is my secret. My truth behind my diet. It's crazy. It makes me sound like I am super unhappy with myself. It makes me sound like I have have low self esteem. Well...I kind of do when it comes to the way I look. My personality though, will blow you out of the water!
So, my goal is to lose weight in a healthy way. I just have to keep reminding myself that I deserve to be here as much as everyone else. Yep...but it won't be easy. I will always have the fear that I don't belong, that I just take up space, that I am a waste of life. I add value to everyone's life that knows me. Just because I am fun!
Much Love
Heather
