The Truth Behind the Diet

Everyone has their own reason for trying to lose weight. Some want to be healthy, some want to fit into their skinny jeans, others just want to be happy with what they see in the mirror. And some lose weight because family, friends, spouses or boyfriends/girlfriends tell them they need to. You are always told to lose weight for yourself and no one else. Most of us are doing it for ourselves. 

I am trying to lose weight for none of these reasons. Okay, well, I want to look cute in certain clothes and I want to be healthy. My main reason for losing weight though...is something that is going to get me in trouble with any friends that read this blog. 

The reason I want to lose weight so bad is because I feel like I take up too much space. If I lose weight I will be smaller...meaning I take up less space. I can't explain it, maybe it comes from my years of being picked on and falling into a depression. Maybe I am not completely out of the dark waters of depression. But I feel like I have always taken up too much space. I feel like I am always in everyone's way.

It goes as far as calling and texting people or even just talking to them. You can ask a few friends of mine, I never call them, they have to call me. And only a few have convinced me that it's okay to text them whenever. I don't know why I feel like this, I just do. If I could become invisible and people could walk right through me, I would be happy.

I almost feel like I don't deserve to breath or take up space and that I waste everyone's time. I feel like everything that is me is a waste. Space, air, and time wasted on me could be used to do something else. Something useful and productive. 

Now, I think I am an awesome person. I just don't like to get in the way of other people. This is also the reason I don't like touching or hugging people. I don't like standing to close to people. 

I keep thinking that if I lose weight it won't be as bad. Though, I fear that once I get to a healthy weight I will try to lose more so that I can be smaller. I can see this becoming a very unhealthy habit. Which may also be the reason that a sabotage my own weight loss. I fear becoming obsessed with being smaller and I fear taking up to much space. HA! It's the never ending story.

So there is my secret. My truth behind my diet. It's crazy. It makes me sound like I am super unhappy with myself. It makes me sound like I have have low self esteem. Well...I kind of do when it comes to the way I look. My personality though, will blow you out of the water! 

So, my goal is to lose weight in a healthy way. I just have to keep reminding myself that I deserve to be here as much as everyone else. Yep...but it won't be easy. I will always have the fear that I don't belong, that I just take up space, that I am a waste of life. I add value to everyone's life that knows me. Just because I am fun! 

Much Love

Heather