Me is all I can Be

The thought started Sunday.  The preacher was talking about how we draw lines for ourselves. We compare ourselves to others and we strive for what someone else has. We always put a cap on where we want to go.

And it's so true. For so long I have looked at slim models and said "I want to look like that." Or even with my writing I always tell people how I want to be as famous as Stephen King! But after Sunday's service I have been thinking so much and reevaluating my goals in life.

I have decided that I don't want to be as famous as Stephen King, I want to be bigger! But I don't want to just be famous, I want to be an inspiration to anyone that wants to give up on their dreams. I want to go to high schools and speak to the teenagers and tell them how much they have to look forward too and how, no matter how small, an accomplishment should be celebrated. I think that my writing will get me to that point one day.  I just want to inspire young people and even older people to fight for their dreams, cause that is what I am doing right now. I am fighting for what I want and what I believe I am best at.

I have also decided that I will stop looking at these models and comparing my body to theirs. For one...lets face it, I don't have the bone structure of a model. I will NEVER have the curves that a model has. Mine will be fuller and probably sexier. (Ego trip!) I have muscle that will probably never go away unless I get it removed, can they do that? I have been overweight most of my life but I have always had killer muscle (under the fat) and it's not going any where.  My bones are what you would call Amazon.  They are bigger than most females. I have broad shoulders and wide hips.  That isn't going away because you kind of can't really change bone structure.  Sad thing is, I didn't get the height that usually comes with the Amazon bone structure. Dangit! And let us not forget Photoshop. Half of the slim perfect bodies we see on t.v. and in magazines now days have been touched up. A tuck here, a nip there, add a glimmer there. It's all about the special effects and no longer about the natural beauty.

I am me. And that is all I can be. It is all God expects me to be.  I have to shoot for my own goals, unique goals.  I have to stop comparing myself to people that I may never be like, simply because it is not in the cards for me.

I just have to work at being the best me I can be. I give it my all, fight as hard as I can, and push through all the obstacles that stand in my way.

As of now, I have two goals. 1) get fit, healthy, active. 2) Keep moving forward on my writing.

I say, the world needs to stop comparing themselves to one another.  That is only going to lead to us becoming discouraged, depressed, sad, angry and finally giving up on something we thought we really wanted. Let us strive to be the best us we can be.  I do me and you do you.  Who cares what the world is doing, focus on what you are doing.

You is all you can be.

Me is all I can be.

Oh, and we should be having fun, that is how you know you're doing it right. :)

Much Love
Heather

The Truth Behind the Diet

Everyone has their own reason for trying to lose weight. Some want to be healthy, some want to fit into their skinny jeans, others just want to be happy with what they see in the mirror. And some lose weight because family, friends, spouses or boyfriends/girlfriends tell them they need to. You are always told to lose weight for yourself and no one else. Most of us are doing it for ourselves. 

I am trying to lose weight for none of these reasons. Okay, well, I want to look cute in certain clothes and I want to be healthy. My main reason for losing weight though...is something that is going to get me in trouble with any friends that read this blog. 

The reason I want to lose weight so bad is because I feel like I take up too much space. If I lose weight I will be smaller...meaning I take up less space. I can't explain it, maybe it comes from my years of being picked on and falling into a depression. Maybe I am not completely out of the dark waters of depression. But I feel like I have always taken up too much space. I feel like I am always in everyone's way.

It goes as far as calling and texting people or even just talking to them. You can ask a few friends of mine, I never call them, they have to call me. And only a few have convinced me that it's okay to text them whenever. I don't know why I feel like this, I just do. If I could become invisible and people could walk right through me, I would be happy.

I almost feel like I don't deserve to breath or take up space and that I waste everyone's time. I feel like everything that is me is a waste. Space, air, and time wasted on me could be used to do something else. Something useful and productive. 

Now, I think I am an awesome person. I just don't like to get in the way of other people. This is also the reason I don't like touching or hugging people. I don't like standing to close to people. 

I keep thinking that if I lose weight it won't be as bad. Though, I fear that once I get to a healthy weight I will try to lose more so that I can be smaller. I can see this becoming a very unhealthy habit. Which may also be the reason that a sabotage my own weight loss. I fear becoming obsessed with being smaller and I fear taking up to much space. HA! It's the never ending story.

So there is my secret. My truth behind my diet. It's crazy. It makes me sound like I am super unhappy with myself. It makes me sound like I have have low self esteem. Well...I kind of do when it comes to the way I look. My personality though, will blow you out of the water! 

So, my goal is to lose weight in a healthy way. I just have to keep reminding myself that I deserve to be here as much as everyone else. Yep...but it won't be easy. I will always have the fear that I don't belong, that I just take up space, that I am a waste of life. I add value to everyone's life that knows me. Just because I am fun! 

Much Love

Heather