A Change is Coming

It's amazing how one day you can wake up and realize there is so much in your life that you need to change. I wish it happened like it does in the movies, where a montages starts with awesome music. Then before you know it everything is changed and you move on with your new life.

It has been a few weeks since I woke up and realized things need to change. This morning though, I woke up and realized there are a few things that I am hanging on to that I really need to let go. Things that are holding be back from my dreams. I won't say what these things are because somethings really are meant to be kept to yourself.

I will say, there has been a wish in my heart that has been there for a while. I wish so strong that some days it is all I think about. Today when I woke up something clicked. I realized that this wish was holding me back. I have been debating about it all day. Church this morning didn't help much either. Apostle was telling us to never stop praying. He said that the one prayer you decide not to pray could be the one that God was going to bless you.

My heart has been on hold for so long. Waiting for this wish to come true. Praying that it was in God's plans for me. And as I type this, my once clear mind is no longer clear. What if it is in God's plans for me, I just have to be patient for it.

Yikes.

That is only one part of things I need to change though. I think with much prayer and thought I can figure it out.

I am going to end this blog before I make myself any more confused. Sometimes a wish is just a wish, something you don't really need. It could be dangerous to pray for a wish. You may get what you didn't want.

I must go now, to think.

Much Love,
Heather

He's gay in my mind

I have been having one of those moments. You know, the one where I look back at all the guys I have ever fallen for. Now, I look back with a little tiny twinge of hate because, well, I always come out with a broken heart and never actually dated the guy! Yeah, I obviously fall hard and fast. All it takes is a cute smile, a glimmer in his eye (most likely caused by the sun in his eyes, not because he spotted me) and a little bit of attention and I am hooked. It is a horrible thing! 

I will admit to having a couple of online relationships. Once again, I came out broken hearted. One broken heart I caused myself, but we won't get into that. Online relationships are the only ones I have ever had. Maybe I am too self centered, which is why the online ones worked? Or maybe I am just too closed off to the world. Only a few people have been lucky enough to get close enough to understand me. 

So, this week I have been thinking about all my past love interest...and present ones. The present are not as plenty as the past. I noticed, I don't have a type, I don't prefer a certain type of guy to the other. The only thing that seems to stay the same, the ones I have liked and like today are the ones who made me laugh. 

Here is where this is going. Have you ever looked back to someone that you have really really liked and they shot you down and at that moment you make up this lie that they are gay? HA! I have done that to several guys that have shot me down. I will tell myself that the only reason they turned me down is because they are gay.

Think about it. Wouldn't you rather the person turn out gay than have turned you down for some flaw of yours they just can't get over? It feels so much better to think they are gay! What makes it even better is when they actually do something to validate your accusations. 

To be honest. I am tired of being shot down. I am sick of talking to a guy just for him to turn around and totally ignore me and pretend he never showed interest. I am tired of the lies guys tell ("Your too good for me." "I don't have time for a relationship right now." "I'm damaged goods, you don't want me."). I want guys to be straight forward. Tell me the REAL reason you don't want to give me a chance. I wish guys would fight to get to know me instead of letting me push them away. Although, there is a deeper issue as to why I push most guys away. Shh, it's a secret.

What happened to the guys that fight for what they want? What happened to the guys that want a real girl, not the ones that give it up the first date? What happened to the guys that sweep a girl off her feet? Where is the knight in shinning armor, ridding in on his white horse? 

I wonder sometimes if my standards are too high. Or if I am just too picky. Maybe my heart is just too unreachable for todays common guys. Maybe, the chains I have put on my heart are just too strong. 

But until I find a guy that likes me and falls for me as hard as I have fallen for him (assuming my heart breaks free from it's current residence and finds a new home), every guy that turns me down for what ever reason will be gay in my mind. 

Much Love

Heather

.