Left Behind

I have been doing way to much thinking lately! And somethings...I can't share with anyone cause I just don't think anyone would truly understand. But this came up today. Being left behind.

It seems that all my friends from high school have moved on to a new chapter in their life. Getting married, having kids, buying homes. And I feel like I am stuck in the same place I have always been.

Okay, not really in the same place. I'm just moving a lot slower than all my friends and it kind of sucks. I was never the party girl so I didn't party with the rest of them. I didn't have a ton of boyfriends...or any for that matter. I stayed in the shadows and watched as life passed me by. I am the watcher.

I watch people create amazing lives. I watch people fall in love. I watch people raise kids. I sit in the side lines wondering if I will ever have any of that. I feel like a ghost. I can look but can't touch. I see it all. And you know, I get super jealous of my friends.

I have an awesome career on track. I am working towards financial freedom. I pay my bills on time and I enjoy laughing, which I do often. So...why do I feel so left behind, left in the dark, brushed under the carpet, invisible?

I feel like no one sees me and no one really knows me. And I am sure that's true just because I stopped expressing my feelings a long time ago. I laugh and I get angry. When I am upset I get quiet but I won't tell you what is really bothering me. And I guess that makes it my own fault that I am just a spirit drifting through life. Just doing what I have to do to get it over with.

I keep waiting for something amazing to happen like it does in the movies. It's what I am best at, dreaming. I keep waiting for my music to play and everything in life to just fall into place. I feel like I am on one of those old time torture machines that stretches people. I'm trying to hold on to the past and reaching for the future at the same time. While the past should be remembered, sometimes you just have to let go. I am a pack rat. I don't want to let go of anything. I'm afraid that if I let go I will lose who I am. I like who I am. Or maybe I am just afraid of others not liking me.

I'm falling apart. Torn from limb to limb. Trying to figure out where it is I belong in this world. And when I find my place will it be too late?

To my dear friends that may read this, I am proud of you all. I am proud to sit back and watch you thrive in life and do the things you have always dreamed of doing. And sometimes I am happy just being able to see you have wonderful lives. And sometimes I just wish I could be as strong and determined as you.

Much Love
Heather